Sunday, October 13, 2013

Indian Toilet

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I talked and talked about my fear of spiders in the bathrooms and it almost consumed me. It made me so sick. Sick to the point of waking up sweating in the middle of the night running for that same bathroom. And suddenly that fear was gone. And that same bathroom was within salvation. Isn't it funny how the universe gives you exactly what you need if you're conscious enough to realize it? It made me just sick enough, to get over my fear of spiders, and darkness, seems like I spend most of my time awake in the night. Sometimes things only come alive in the dark, just like spiders. We were talking and he was saying with everything having duality why avoid the darkness and only live in the light. Embrace both and find balance.

Optional Death

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I had a dream about you last night. And it was weird because it wasn't of when we were five and rolling around in grass. Or when we we're 15 and trying to figure out what kissing boys was about, or even 21 when we went through our first stage of growing into adults and spent half our nights up in diners talking about everything over too many coffee cups. No, it was now, it was you and us in our apartment and in my mind I made this special place for you to be there. To be in my life, but it's weird, for the first time in my life you're gone. And I don't think you're ever coming back. And I remember when my first boyfriend broke up with me and I thought it was like voluntary death, and I couldn't imagine anything worse. Well this is so much the same, no matter how much I want what was to be there still, it's not. I went this way and you went that. And I accept it but I guess sometimes it haunts me in my dreams.

Monday, October 7, 2013

Simplicity

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India seems to be easy for everyone else. Maybe it's the easiest place I've ever been and that's why it's so hard. Looking at my ego in the mirror when I can't do something, when I can't sit still. She told me to be careful of what I'm writing (I've never been careful of what I wrote). I need to send words into the void of the Internet to release. Maybe someone somewhere out there will get what I mean through all the abstractions. I'm learning what I'm not, and what I need to strip in order to see myself more clearly, but how much growth can you expect in five weeks? I think I need five lives. Om Shanti.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Fear of Spiders

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 Everyone told me India was going to change me but all I can see so far is the smell of my sweat and how it reeks of India. That I'm terrified of the spiders the size of my unclenched fist in the hole in the floor that's supposed to be a bathroom but I think it's more the spiders in my head that make me want to cry. I'm frustrated that I've already cried more times that I'm proud to say and I still can't do a fucking handstand. My boyfriend's sick and even through all the fucking meditation and chanting mantras I can't fucking understand, we're fighting. And the only thing I can figure out to do is stay. Stay with the frustration and sadness and my stupid ego I can still hear in the back of my head. I guess I'll just sit here in silence until I can figure out what to do next.
 

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