Saturday, December 29, 2012

Bring on 2013

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And everything changes so fast. But isn't that the constant? The constant of change. The only thing you can really be sure of. That everything will change. And I'm starting to think that's a good thing. (I always knew that.) As long as you're changing with that flow. That ever lasting sea flowing from the source that if you learn to move with will take you everywhere. Will take you anywhere. What a blessed thing. You're there and then you're gone.

I think it's official, we're staying in the North East. I want to teach yoga. I love my life. I love my friends. Merry Christmas y'all. Bring on 2013. 

Friday, December 28, 2012

Meditations; Marcus Aurelius

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Words that everyone once used are now obsolete, and so are the men whose names were once on everyone's lips: Camillus, Caeso, Volesus, Dentatus, and to a lesser degree Scipio and Cato, and yes, even Augustus, Hadrian, and Antoninus are less spoken of now than they were in their own days. For all things fade away, become the stuff of legend, and are soon buried in oblivion. Mind you, this is true only for those who blazed once like bright stars in the firmament, but for the rest, as soon as a few clods of earth cover their corpses, they are 'out of sight, out of mind.' In the end, what would you gain from everlasting remembrance? Absolutely nothing. So what is left worth living for? This alone: justice in thought, goodness in action, speech that cannot deceive, and a disposition glad of whatever comes, welcoming it as necessary, as familiar, as flowing from the same source and fountain as yourself. (IV. 33, trans. Scot and David Hicks)

Morning Yoga!

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My Map

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And this is just the start!

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Have I Ever Thanked You?

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Have I ever thanked you for all that you've done for me?
For showing me my lows, so I can reach my highs.
For pushing me away, so I could run farther than ever.
For loving me, even when I hated you for it.

Have I ever thanked you for all that you've done for me?
Look at what you've done to me.

Thank you.
Look at all you've done for me.

Happy Christmas

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Merry Christmas. And I think of all the reasons I'm grateful since the last time I could say this. And I'd say I'm lucky, but I don't think that's just it. More of, I'm grateful. To be overwhelmed everyday by how much love and beauty you have in your life is to be alive and thriving. So, happy Christmas, happy new year and happy life. Happy Christmas y'all!!!!

The ancestor of all life on Earth might have been a gigantic planetary super-organism

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http://io9.com

All life on Earth is related, which means we all must share a single common evolutionary ancestor. And now it appears that this ancestor might have been a single, planet-spanning organism that lived in a time that predates the development of survival of the fittest.
That's the idea put forward by researchers at the University of Illinois, who believe the last universal common ancestor, or LUCA, was actually a single organism that lived about three billion years ago. This organism was unlike anything we've ever seen, and was basically an amorphous conglomeration of cells.
Instead of competing for resources and developing into separate lifeforms, cells spent hundreds of millions of years freely exchanging genetic material with each other, which allowed species to obtain the tools to survive without ever having to compete for anything. That's maybe not an organism as we would comprehend it today, but that's the closest term we have for this cooperative arrangement.
All that we know about LUCA is based on conjecture, and the most promising recent research has been in figuring out what proteins and other structures are shared across all three domains of life: the unicellular bacteria and archaea and the multi-celled eukaryotes, which are where all plants and animals evolved from. This isn't a foolproof method — it's possible that two extremely similar but not identical structures could evolve independently after LUCA split into the three domains — but it's a good starting point.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

No Strings Attached.

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sparrek, No Strings Attached, 2012
I love you. No strings attached. That's what I've learned. You let people grow, and you let them change. And you lose that need to control any outcome because you can't see just how that road stretched out ahead. And that's okay. It'll swerve instead of go straight, and turn left instead of right but as long as your making those corners with a steady heart and a steady mind your road will be sunny. Even when it rains. So keep driving. And keep loving. With no strings attached.

Music Painting

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Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability

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Brené Brown studies human connection -- our ability to empathize, belong, love. In a poignant, funny talk, she shares a deep insight from her research, one that sent her on a personal quest to know herself as well as to understand humanity. A talk to share. (Filmed atTEDxHouston.)
Brené Brown studies vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame. 


Saturday, December 22, 2012

Exactly It

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Dreaming your life away.
But I turn back and ask,
And what's wrong with that?

Who knew exactly what I wanted.
Was just being there and being happy.
Because I can't figure out.

What else to do?
But be happy.
And that's exactly it.


Thursday, December 20, 2012

I Live On

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I'm alone thinking I was absolutely going to want to write. Instead, I'm sitting on my bed thinking about sleeping and letting my head jump from thought to thought like a monkey in a cage. And then all of a sudden it hit me, calm the mind, calm the soul; birthed is clarity. Anyway, there's so much joy now. My beloved friend is having a baby, and a wedding and a family and a new home and a new life. (Holy shit.) I bake, and laugh, and play with babies, and think, and run, and drive. And those are my favorite things. I forgot about love. Overwhelming love. From moments when you walk by (dying), to seconds that fleet with only trail of life and it's opportunities and gifts resonating in the molecules. Hello new year, I can't wait to meet you! Your elder was good to me, even with the writhing. (With the pain was growth.) EVERY YEAR IS BETTER. And I am happy. And I am alive. And I can't wait to keep doing this thing, called life. I feel it throughout my bones, and I tell you I feel alive. Through it all, through the money and the dead broke, through the beds and the agony of shattered hearts, from ocean to white coldness, from floors to boats to planes to feet on the ground. With good intentions and the sun as my father, I live on.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Overview of the Virtues

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AN OVERVIEW OF THE VIRTUES

by James B. Stenson
As children grow from infancy to adulthood, they need to acquire certain character-strengths: sound judgment, a sense of responsibility, personal courage, and self-mastery. These habits of mind and will and heart have traditionally been called the virtues: prudence, justice, fortitude, and temperance. Children internalize these lifelong habits in three ways, and in this order:
example:what they witness in the lives of parents and other adults whom they respect (and thus unconsciously imitate).
directed practice:what they are repeatedly led to do, or are made to do, by parents and other respected adults.
word:what they hear from parents and other respected adults as explanation for what they witness and are led to do.

Monday, December 17, 2012

You Break Me

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You break me. 

When I see those moments when you're trying to be brave because you've found Your Truth and it scares you.

You break me.

When I hear the stories about your eyes seeing Beautiful for the first time born among the ugly.

You break me.

When you just can't be better because you're still growing and you're just not ready.

You break me.

When you get so frustrated and you can't look me in the face and say it.

You break me.

When your eyes like ivy towers keeping prisoner your soul.

But how nothing to do with me.
And how of my love of them.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Landfill Harmonic

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I'm Home

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I'm home. (Close, and I've gotten so used to cleaning random apartments.) I'm sitting on my brother's couch with a huge blanket wrapped all around me. And I feel so good being so cold. My fingertips froze last night in an over-sized sweatshirt my brother had given me so I can hold my beer and stand in the almost freezing weather outside the football stadium. (The boys are so distinctly Philadelphia.) Facial scruff and snow caps, big jackets, loud mouths. My daddy called me, there's gas in my car and my bed's waiting for me. Oh, what lovely things! Clean clothes and fresh shoes. Ä whole room and my backpack retires to the corner for a month. (It needs to air out.) The faces I need to see, the bodies I need to wrap my arms around! Oh, how good it feels to be home.

Saints

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I arrived in a thunderstorm. I brought with me the frost. New Orleans is hauntingly silent (with sirens and horns). I almost swear I'm going to see a ghost wandering the streets instead of the living. The graveyards like little cities. But everyone seems to come alive during the night time. Over old men with their eyes closed and feet tapping. With their glasses and cigarettes burning. I'm sorry if I disappointed you. I thought you were looking for a Saint.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Thrive

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Don't let the "Alien Theory" throw you off. 

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

On Our Road.

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Today's our last day in Hawaii. (PANIC) It's only okay because now this place is so apart of me that I'll never truly be without it. And I know I'll be back. Like Austin, it's become one of those places I'll always return to because they help me become a better expression of my inner self. Every day here is so beautiful and wild and free, that weeks seem like seconds and it's always over far too soon.

I'm staring out the open door and the brightly painted houses hiding in palm trees and wild bush and I just want to hug myself it makes me so happy. The sounds, the ocean (I can hear it from everywhere), the sky, and how amazingly clear and all encompassing it is! This tiny little rock in the middle of the Pacific. (How come I've never felt more grounded?) I'm home.

I leave tomorrow for Los Angeles. My best friend and I are driving up to San Fran for the weekend and I couldn't imagine going home for Christmas without stopping in to see my other home, with my Nellie. (She's my home, more than the place. Her.) Safety, safely. I love. Then I leave for New Orleans, which I'm so excited for. Then finally!!!!!! FINALLY!!!! Home for Christmas, to hug my family and have a mini winter.

We fly back to Australia January 8th. To finish our adventure. Or to continue living our life. Back on our road.

Paula Fuga & Mike Love

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Saw this lovely soul sister yesterday on the North Shore of Hawaii. Happy thank you more please.

Boy I Used to Know.

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Boy I used to know.
I only remember you,
when they're all the things you're not.
Not scared.
Not unfaithful.
Not absent.

Boy I used to know.
I only remember you,
when they're all the things you're not.
No eyes that follow.
No steady gaze or arms.
No internal glow.

Boy I used to know.
How I miss you so.

For all those reasons they're all the things you're not.
So simple and beautiful.
My boy I used to know.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Glebe

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Friday, November 23, 2012

What if money didn't matter?

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Monday, November 19, 2012

For the love of God

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It's pouring all over me. Drops? Fuck that, waterfall. (Simply perception; I still got my rainbows.) I'm drenched to the bone. Can't feel it anymore, I'm not scared anymore. I can't take it. I can take it all. (That's how I feel.) Rain down on me Hell Storm. It's kind of nice in the wrath; do you know what it's like to not feel the love of God? I don't. (I don't believe in that.) What's up? I think this is the first time my hands have stopped shaking in months. (I'm staring at them not moving.)

No surrender. For the love of God.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Love/Leave

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“He looked at me like I was crazy. Most of my lovers do, and that’s partly why they love me, and partly why they leave.”

— Jeanette Winterson

Someone You'd Admire

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Failure

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Failure. Looking into a puddle and pretending it's a sea. (Still trying to swim, or win affection or something fucking futile.) Silly, stupid, empty little girl tangled in sheets. I'm coming back because it's painful here, and I want to figure out why. Used to conquering, but let me repeat brightly and beautifully; Failure. I still haven't seen the ocean. And as long as I'm failing, I might as well accomplish something. Anything. A friend, an adventure, a fucking conversation. Watch me pretend to hold a gun to my head and blow my brains out. 

Friday, November 16, 2012

Neil Young & Crazy Horse "Down By The River" - YouTube

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Tokyo.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

In Chocolate.

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I remember laying in bed and thinking I should get up right now and walk away but instead I ended up holding onto you a little tighter. The more they don't love me, the more I want to cook them food and make them coffee and kiss them all over their faces. I just want to love you. It's the same as when you're sitting in the corner with that look on your face, and I'm surprised you're not crying yet. And I tell you we can do anything, you just tell me what. So we eat our body weight in chocolate until I'm sure I'm going to die from a sugar-overdose, but at least you know I'm here with you. In chocolate and in life. I just love you. 

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

The Bleachers

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We were sitting on the bleachers overlooking the field, where they play some sport that I probably don't understand because I still think baseball and football are better than anything you have to play in a white outfit and some stupid hat but that's not the point. He was chugging on a longneck, while the only thing I could concentrate on was a girl wandering the streets trying to find cigarettes. He was telling me all about this thing they call faith (I call it serenity or a god damn hole you need to fill). And all about this girl. (They love to tell me about beautiful girls.) He quoted the Bible and in the same breath said "NO, you must judge yourself, you're the only one fit to." That's funny, I've been trying to take it easy on myself. But you're always telling me I'm no go at it anyway. He kept telling me I didn't understand, but I'm never sure if it's I who don't understand you, or you that don't understand me, but I guess that doesn't even matter.

I walked home and you were sitting on the front step with a cigarette and tears in your eyes. 

Darts

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I was ashing in a candle while I was listening to her tell me that I missed the target that I was aiming to hit. (I think because I was aiming in the first place.) I'm learning that the only thing you can count on are your own two feet and your own ideas, but not the ones you imagine for the future (because they can be construed by all those others' outside ideas and thus making it into something completely new.) but those you feel and live through that shape your idea of your day. Of your experience. Every day. Nothing I thought was going to happen over these last few months came to be, besides the physical destinations. (They came, they went.) But all the other made up futures were just that, mythical endings to stories I wasn't even writing. You know what did happen? These beautiful adventures and memories where I least expected them.

I guess that was the point.

Chair

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Always sitting at the edge of my seat. Anxious and patiently waiting for something or creating something or soaking something up. Trying to soak it all up. Make it worth something. You know? The only thing you have to cash in. Your time. Just like this guy says:

In any weather, at any hour of the day or night, I have been anxious to improve the nick of time, and notch it on my stick too; to stand on the meeting of two eternities, the past and future, which is precisely the present moment; to toe that line. You will pardon some obscurities, for there are more secrets in my trade than in most men's, and yet not voluntarily kept, but inseparable from its very nature. I would gladly tell all that I know about it, and never paint "No Admittance" on my gate.

Thoreau. In Walden.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Australia. Australia Stuff

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Friday, November 9, 2012

Alex Winston

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The Collection

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I collect madmen. I wish I could write about you, but the words don't fit. Just like you. Besides maybe "chaos" and how badly do you want to care but it doesn't come easy? I wonder if that's frustrating. Or maybe it's indifference (but far less satisfying). But it's this silently beautiful kind of thing. And now you remind me of a lunatic. And I've met many but none like you. With that mind that I can't see, but it's not void like you say. Something, even if  beautiful, chaotic nothing. I just don't know what I'm looking at yet. Like when I'm standing next to you and that thing sucks my soul right out and I freeze. And at first I thought it was a bad thing, but now comfortable with I just don't know.

And I really don't care. But I guess now I love you too.

Add one more to the collection.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Fucks Throw

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It's like I've been avoiding writing about the fact that in every single place, you stay there. This is because what you are there cannot be stripped from it's location. (One in the same, inextricable.) Whatever I am at this geographic point in space and time will start the mutation process as soon as I switch shores. It has less to do with physical being and far more to do with the collective experience. Like what do I look like to you? (What the fuck do I look like to you?) I know you see something different than that little boy in Manhattan, and it's fucks throw away from your head on my stomach listening to my breath, because you love the way I breathe. (Or the fact that I'm breathing.) But that's okay. Because this here and now, is supposed to be a completely different reality that shows me a little more of me through you. (Or just this. whole. thing.)

(It shall be sweet.)

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All your written words inspired me more than fingertips. The same as looks and glances and too many fingers plucking strings. How funny, when usually too commonly touch can walk you straight into the deep end, far too high over your head. (Do we overlook the silent value?) But it's not drowning, it's breathing underwater. In disbelief that you could be breathing underwater but you have this new source of oxygen. Life support. Anything to rattle your damn bones up and out of that sleep. That sleeping state of the walking zombie apocalypse that may just be a figment of my imagination. Oh to feel alive! Should I shake you? Or kiss you clean? If honey is so sweeter than vinegar and justice can not be served by anyone undefining, then it shall be taught. (It shall be sweet.) I pray for it to be experienced and felt because it will heal your soul. And save your head.

My Best Friend.

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Crying. Reading letters.


"stop lookin so hard. sometimes he's right under you nose. let's not let that happen again. be ready mr right is looking for you too sam he's not too far away. let someone want you the most and earn you. its what you re worth."

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Losing.

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On losing. Not winning. This is what I'm talking about. Those things that happen and you think? Why did that happen? No good. And things happen well elsewhere that seem good (for others) and you can feel that jealousy (or resentment) but that's where you lose that wisdom? I can't deal with this like that. Something more like I'm so glad that happened to you, I'm so grateful that happened to you. What's ever happening here will change, sometimes the road just swerves. Always swerves. SO, you can not tell your good from your bad and your bad from your good, because every bad has good, and everything good will change. So I feel liberated. To hold that future and that past and that now and know they all slip like water through your fingers!

I'm not losing anything.

Wussuuuup

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Window Sill

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Two hands on the window sill, leaning over the ledge looking out over the street. Rocking back and forth. How many window ledges have I to look out over? It doesn't matter. Each is different. This one's black. Now. From such moments of infinity and life to those of darkness and death. And I feel them all. I feel each second. Trying to run for cover when those catches of drowning set it. But that's not the point. Running is never the point. Having that break, shift of consciousness is the point. Becoming mentally better and stronger and less reliant on everything that is fleeting, including emotions. That's where the internal stability comes in, that inner peace. That inner breath of Godwhole. 

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Empty Space

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Before you judge others or claim any absolute truth, consider that you can see less that 1% of the electromagnetic spectrum and hear less than 1% of the acoustic spectrum. As you read this, you are traveling at 220 kilometers per second across the galaxy. 90% of the cells in your body carry their own microbial DNA and are not “you”. The atoms in your body are 99.9999999999999999% empty space and none of them are the ones you were born with, but they all originated in the belly of a star. Human beings have 46 chromosomes, 2 less than the common potato. The existence of the rainbow depends on the conical photoreceptors in your eyes; to animals without cones, the rainbow does not exist. So you don’t just look at a rainbow, you create it. This is pretty amazing, especially considering that all the beautiful colours you see represent less than 1% of the electromagnetic spectrum.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Lazy Eye

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Thursday, October 25, 2012

My Sick Little Boy

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My sick boy.
Sick before that day,
Confessing your father's sins.
On my stoop in the city.

Before you found me.
From across the room.
And asked me to explain.

All I could say:
What have they done to your head?
Already so sick.

Long before I loved you.
For nothing besides singing.
And that damage to your head.
My sick little boy.


Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Minumum Wage

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We have another month in Sydney. We like it. We love our flat. And we love each other. We do miss home though. And actually embrace the idea of true winter. We're flying into Hawaii right before Thanksgiving. (We're so excited.) We want to see if it was really as magical as we remember or if we were just elated. After almost two weeks in Hawaii, MacKenzie flies back to the East Coast and I fly to Los Angeles to see my best friend. After Los Angeles, I fly into New Orleans for a few days before finally coming home for Christmas. I'll be home in a little under two months, and it seems so close. But when I think about all that has happened in the last two months, I can't imagine who I'll be, what I'll want, or what I'll have learned since the day I sat in the Sydney library and wrote this blog post.

We can feel ourselves growing. I think that's why it hurts a bit. You know, growing pains. We realized when we got here (and found ourselves broke) that this was the first time we had ever truly been on our own. (We're doing it!!!) We're paying our own rent, buying our own food, paying our own cellphone bills, and fronted the cost for health insurance. (I think that about covers it?) Never have either of us not had the option of raiding our parents fridges, or crashing in our childhood rooms for a few months. (Mommy!)

We learned two things, we could pull it off, and working for minimum wage sucks. They should just call it slave labor. It made us both think long and hard about what we wanted to do next, and we still haven't completely figured it out. But atleast we're thinking.

More soon.

Things I still Love.

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The things I still love.

I still love writing. It makes me feel closer to you and closer to myself. Like I never understood what I meant until I wrote it down or wrote it out and sent it to you. The truest form of communication when you're on the opposite side of the planet and it's my favorite.

I still love coffee. That sounds silly, but in finding simplicity because you're saving for flights around the world you come to enjoy little things. My little things happen to be a "soy flat white, extra caffiene." (Even though I miss pumpkin spice anything like crazy.)

I still love music. Even when I don't have anything new to spark my imagination, I can listen to your voices and all of a sudden I'm home, in bed, listening to my friends. You can pick me up when I'm running or stretching or sitting at the edge of my bed, wishing I could cry but I can't get the tears out. (My most common problem.)

But most of all, more than anything, more than any of these things added up and multiplied by infinity, I love my sister. What a gracious and beautiful being. Keeping calm and patient and loving. Laughing at me when I'm anything but funny and sitting with me when I can't think of what to do next. Mostly listening, and watching.

So much to be in love with.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

It feels like Growing Up.

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It feels like growing up. Like each day that I spend here or there has taught me this vital lesson I would have struggled to grasp if I hadn't been desperately chasing after it across the hemispheres. But I don't need to be physically chasing that thing anymore. My feet will always wander, for that I am sure. But running away from myself has lost its zeal. You never find what you are searching for by searching, in having this end goal so well defined you miss the point in everything you learn along the way. For that is the point, everything you learn along the way. I did not set out on this journey to kill my rambling soul or like of adventure but I grew to understand adventure and restlessness have less to do with where you are and more to do with what you're perceiving. The way I yearn for familiar arms and trees is the same as I once did for distant lands and far away kingdoms. That sense of awe does not only come from new experiences so far away but from viewing every experience with that gratitude of uniqueness and beauty. You can find that beauty in anything. I long for my home. In my heart and under my feet.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Lingering Winter

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I can feel that cold breeze move past me while I'm trying to just sit down and write something (anything) in this cafe you work in. I'm not sure why winter's still here, or even why we were running from it for so long. I can't seem to embrace this face winter in the face of the southern hemisphere spring. I like truth, not shams. I come to just sit near you because it makes me feel less alone. I don't wear makeup anymore. I think it's more beautiful. I see fear on all those faces, and I don't get fashion. I can feel my mind work as a whirlwind and that's the only way I can think enough to write, when it's pushed forward by overwhelming thoughts that couldn't stop if I tried, fingers with a mind of their own. And that mind I'm not sure where it came from (the three cups of coffee) but it works. Writing is funny because sometimes it drips out of you and other times it's like being dehydrated. Dried up. Nothing left.

This part of a letter is all I've got:

"I've been talking to MacKenzie a lot about living in a different reality when you're far away. Like all those things people are saying to you are no more real than a book you're reading. You think of this weird movie in your head and try to imagine what they're thinking or feeling or what these characters in their story could possibly look like but you really don't know. Yours is the weirdest to read. I have no idea what you're actually seeing and it sounds so far from reality to read that I can only imagine what it's like in real life. Probably...just like...real life. Standing there, experiencing it, believing it because it's real and happening and there's no escaping what's going on all around you. Anyway, weird."

Free Books!!

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Gutenberg.org

Best thing I've seen since openculture.com !

Hallucinations

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I'm reading paragraph after paragraph of words I could have written. I listen, trying to get better at listening, (really just learning more about myself, listening to you) to you tell me you've broken each others hearts 'for a hundred lifetimes,' I know exactly what you mean. I've seen you somewhere before, like I'd known him somewhere before. Sliced from the same stardust and reincarnated a thousand times until we hardly recognized each other. Like you and I; like when I tried to explain to him about home and he closed his eyes.

And no I don't think your dreams of light and cupcakes and joy are silly, because I have the same dreams. I see them everyday. And you said what I meant when you talked about that need to settle down in one god damn place without settling with your soul because settling for anything less than this magic I've become so accustomed to seems so close to death. I'm not sure which one I'd rather. Death by imagination or death by body.

I had this hallucination when we were smoking cigarettes that night. At the table in that apartment where I hear the cries at night so clearly. I wasn't sure if there were two of us, or if I was a schizophrenic mess and for the first time I thought I might be insane. Now I know why I'm here. With the rest of the people who talk to themselves. In this alternate reality slipping along the crease of this dimension. 

Monday, October 15, 2012

Bad Timing

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Please just let me call my best friend.
I'm begging you.
Can I write this letter to my mom?
I need her.
Why are you so mad,
When all I did was look at you.
Sobbing all night long.
I know she lost her mind.

Just bad timing.
It's just bad timing.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Home Sick Guilt

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I looked at her, and I knew she was different.

Someone said that to me once.
I like all the funny accents you can do.
And it's beautiful to see someone so alive,
And okay with where they are.

I'm okay with where I am.
Even if it's this tiny studio,
On this shaky table.
That won't let me call home.

Even if it's so far away
From hugging you.
And so far away,
From tea and my mom.

I feel bad about missing them.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Kamala

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Once, he said to her: "You are like me, you are different from most people. You are Kamala, nothing else, and inside of you, there is a peace and refuge, to which you can go at every hour of the day and be at home at yourself, as I can also do. Few people have this, and yet all could have it."

"Not all people are smart," said Kamala.

"No," said Siddhartha, "that's not the reason why. Kamaswami is just as smart as I, and still has no refuge in himself. Others have it, who are small children with respect to their mind. Most people, Kamala, are like a falling leaf, which is blown and is turning around through the air, and wavers, and tumbles to the ground. But others, a few, are like stars, they go on a fixed course, no wind reaches them, in themselves they have their law and their course.

Dirty Dishes

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I just had the best day at work. Sometimes I forget to just concentrate at what I'm doing at every point throughout the day, because that's how you find contentment. You don't rush through parts to get to the greener grass, you settle in where you are. Anyway, today I got called into work. I work at a tiny cafe and it's usually just me and the owner running the entire place. Today we had a huge party come in and had another waitress working the front. So my boss asked me to come work the kitchen with him. Just me and this tiny Chinese man. I cooked. And I cleaned. I've never worked in a kitchen before, and I don't think I've ever felt so satisfied after a days work. I love cooking, and I love cleaning and when I simplified what I was doing down to that, I found it so easy to enjoy my day. I had a wonderful Friday, I hope you did too. Don't underestimate your dirty dishes.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Humility

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She said 'Fact, I work five days a week with an hour commute to the city.' You know she's right because we're living exactly like our parents on the other side of the planet. And all that judgement and all that running was just to feel alive before diving down into schedule and routine and some mono-tone dream we took as a nightmare. I have work soon, where they pay me $3 dollars under the minimum wage, cash in hand, and I have a little bit better an idea of those they call illegal immigrants. Degree in government, one world tour, and 5 continents under the belt and I sweep the floor at night. Imagine those doctors from far away lands that come to mop our floors? Oh cruel world. Where do we get our measuring stick? Maybe humblings the best dose of humanity we can be served. 

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Barr Brothers

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Tuesday, October 9, 2012

I'll Come Back Home

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On the road. Those things I learned.

I learned to let go. Not to linger in those days of maids and mansions or those of coffee instead of lunch and feet that burn in your shoes. How do you afford to travel? Tomorrow will be unlike today and you won't last long if you try and hold on. Yesterday I mopped the floors and a month ago I sailed on a yacht.

I learned to laugh. I figured out the other day, the reason we survive it is because we laugh, and laugh and we still find it funny. Being hungry and cold and tired and we sit there and look at each others faces and smile. Because tomorrow might be a dream of kings and beautiful places even if today is starving and dirty. 

I learned to write in the dark. I usually write when I can't sleep at night because it's more honest and I'm not thinking as much, I'm just gushing insides to outsides. It's not even like thought, it's like being. It's what I meant but couldn't verbalize. I never read them again and mail them the next morning. I hope you get a letter, it means you moved me. And I'll hold my breath while I drop it into the mail slot.

I've learned to love my home. Those fall leaves I'm missing and those bitter winters when I couldn't breathe. It wasn't the winter that broke my heart it was expecting. Expecting people to be stability when I can only provide that for myself. But now I know I love my home. Not because it's safe, but because I can love any place, and that one just happens to have more people I love.

I'll come back home.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

All in My Head

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I laid on the top of my bunk bed and listened to you for the first time the other night. Just me and you and my eyelids. And I kept wondering why I was in the same place on a different continent. It made me feel sad. And not the sad, where you feel bad for yourself but that aching sad, that one where your heart feels heavy. I'm dragging it around. It's funny she said it's so outside of people's minds, that thing we're doing. But it's the same old shit, that same reality when you wake up and there's the sun and the people are doing that same drinking and smoking and laughing and loving thing. That trying to get outside of their own mind thing. No matter where on Earth you wake up. And I'm not looking for anything anymore because I know there's nothing to find. It's all in my head.

New Sydney

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It's amazing how much being here reminds me of moving to New York City. It's still brisk from the winter, the city looks a bit like New York, and we work just as much. You know that feeling when you don't think you could possibly walk another step? We feel that way on the daily. We've been hustling. No doubt about that. We've been on about a dozen interviews and trials between the two of us. I work full time at a cafe during the day, and then we work as promoters for a bar at night. It's pretty cool actually, we just get to go around and talk to people about coming into a new bar that just opened and it gives us a chance to meet people and go out. We finally made enough for rent, and I'm about to go get my first solid paycheck. We move into our apartment tomorrow. Which is a blessing because I'm over sleeping on the top of a bunk bed.

Week one.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

G'day

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SYDNEY!!! So happy to be here. My Fijian bug bites are fading and all the memories of long days in an open house hostel. This place is beautiful. We moved to Glebe, a small neighborhood in the inner city. It sort of reminds me of Astoria. One of my favorite parts is walking down the main street because it smells so strongly of flowers and fresh baked bread. Within 48 hours we got cellphones, set up bank accounts, found an awesome apartment down the street from the town center and started two jobs each.  I'm working in a small cafe down the street from our apartment and we both start at a pizza place tonight. (We may have gotten the job after Kenz told him we hailed from the pizza capital of the world.) I think we could be considered professional movers by now. It's a pretty awesome place to make some money for a few months.

Our plans have changed so many times since we left we're just trying to keep everything straight. We're trying to move back to Hawaii within the next few months and I may be working a job in Argentina right after we relocate. (Which is awesome, it will help us with rent for the first month or so.) We haven't gotten to venture out much because we're so concentrated on finding jobs and making money, but we'll report back when we see more of the city.

G'day dude. 

Monday, October 1, 2012

Just Smiling

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You know we don't even fight? Sometimes we roll our eyes but really we just work it out. We talk it out. We talk everything out. Even if we're not sure what it means, we say it because we feel it. And we'd rather work it out together than let anything fester. You know how many times you can catch us just smiling at each other? People think it's funny when they see us making those faces at each other for no reason besides we're silly and we love it. How many people can stay within 20 feet of each other for two months and still wake up smiling? And don't worry I remember I'm so lucky you still laugh at all my jokes, you're usually the only one that does. People tell us how lucky we are. And you know what? We know it.

Siddhartha

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Siddhartha learned something new on every step of his path, for the world was transformed, and his heart was enchanted. He saw the sun rising over the mountains with their forests and setting over the distant beach with its palm-trees. At night, he saw the stars in the sky in their fixed positions and the crescent of the moon floating like a boat in the blue. He saw trees, stars, animals, clouds, rainbows, rocks, herbs, flowers, stream and river, the glistening dew in the bushes in the morning, distant hight mountains which were blue and pale, birds sang and bees, wind silverishly blew through the rice-field. All of this, a thousand-fold and colourful, had always been there, always the sun and the moon had shone, always rivers had roared and bees had buzzed, but in former times all of this had been nothing more to Siddhartha than a fleeting, deceptive veil before his eyes, looked upon in distrust, destined to be penetrated and destroyed by thought, since it was not the essential existence, since this essence lay beyond, on the other side of, the visible. But now, his liberated eyes stayed on this side, he saw and became aware of the visible, sought to be at home in this world, did not search for the true essence, did not aim at a world beyond. Beautiful was this world, looking at it thus, without searching, thus simply, thus childlike. Beautiful were the moon and the stars, beautiful was the stream and the banks, the forest and the rocks, the goat and the gold-beetle, the flower and the butterfly. Beautiful and lovely it was, thus to walk through the world, thus childlike, thus awoken, thus open to what is near, thus without distrust. Differently the sun burnt the head, differently the shade of the forest cooled him down, differently the stream and the cistern, the pumpkin and the banana tasted. Short were the days, short the nights, every hour sped swiftly away like a sail on the sea, and under the sail was a ship full of treasures, full of joy. Siddhartha saw a group of apes moving through the high canopy of the forest, high in the branches, and heard their savage, greedy song. Siddhartha saw a male sheep following a female one and mating with her. In a lake of reeds, he saw the pike hungrily hunting for its dinner; propelling themselves away from it, in fear, wiggling and sparkling, the young fish jumped in droves out of the water; the scent of strength and passion came forcefully out of the hasty eddies of the water, which the pike stirred up, impetuously hunting.

All of this had always existed, and he had not seen it; he had not been with it. Now he was with it, he was part of it. Light and shadow ran through his eyes, stars and moon ran through his heart.

Whole Book!

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Facebook Chat with Mom

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  • 13 minutes ago
    Samantha Lee Vetrano
    • i was just talking to calvin
    • and i was telling him i think a person's the only thing that could keep me in one place
    • and he was like...i think there should be another reason. i really liked that

  • 12 minutes ago
    Annette Hebler Vetrano
    • Calvin is right


  • 12 minutes ago
    Samantha Lee Vetrano

    • yeah he is

  • 12 minutes ago
    Annette Hebler Vetrano
    • but a person can help
    • or be part of the reason

  • 11 minutes ago
    Samantha Lee Vetrano
    • yeah that's true too
    • it was weird i think those guys honestly and genuinely like us. but you know what? i don't think they wanted to. i think they want to just do their solo thing now
    • it's weird they're not 22. and i can't imagine not wanting to fall in love
    • i guess you grow out of that innocence. or maybe it's a chick thing

  • 9 minutes ago
    Annette Hebler Vetrano
    • a little of both i think

  • 8 minutes ago
    Samantha Lee Vetrano
    • i think so too
    • that's weird. seems like one of the adventures of life

  • 7 minutes ago
    Annette Hebler Vetrano
    • again...balance

  • 3 minutes ago
    Annette Hebler Vetrano
    • you know...i learned something this summer.
      love is weird.
      we have a preordained idea of what it should be any thats what gets us in trouble.
      try not to put it in a box...it takes many forms and many levels

  • 3 minutes ago
    Samantha Lee Vetrano
    • i think that's really good advice
    • kind of like that heartbreak thing. it's easy to look back and be pissed because he couldn't do it "right" but it was still love. 
    • it's just the best people can do. a reflection of themselves
 

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